“What’s for dinner?” Mom asks for the third time and you think, “Same thing I said five minutes ago.” Dealing with a parent in the early stages of memory loss is trying. But try to remember your parent’s forgetfulness and confusion are symptoms of dementia or Alzheimer’s Disease—he or she can’t help it and would prefer not to be confused. But beyond feeling frustrated, is there anything you can do?
Consider the following four tips for improving communication with someone in the early stages of memory loss:
Improve focus—theirs and yours.
The days of days of casually throwing out a rapid-fire stream of questions and comments to your parent may be over. Instead, try this:
- Use your eyes to make contact, touch your parent’s arm, or address your parent (e.g. “Mom, are you thirsty?”) to get his or her attention.
- Face your parent when you speak and speak slowly, so he or she can focus on your words.
- Limit distractions. Turn the TV and/or radio off and move into a quiet area.
- Wait for your parent’s answer. If necessary, repeat the question using the same exact words. If you change the words, Dad will need to reprocess the thought, which may add to his confusion and anxiety.
Consider your tone – what non-verbal messages are you sending?
- Your tone of voice and facial expressions may express more than your actual words, especially with someone with memory loss. If you are smiling and supportive, your parent will feel comforted and reassured. However, if your eyebrows are raised and your tone is irritable, you’ll convey your frustration.
- Focus on what Mom can do, not what she cannot do.
- Don’t get into pointless discussions or arguments. If your parent says something incorrect or something you don’t agree with–try to let it go. Instead, restate, clarify, or change the subject.
Take your parent’s feelings into account.
- Try to identify the feelings Dad is expressing instead just listening to the actual words (or lack of words). See if you can figure out what might have caused them—worry? Frustration? Happiness?
- Avoid quizzing Mom or Dad needlessly. If you don’t get an answer, it may be because he or she doesn’t know it, and persisting will only embarrass or frustrate your parent.
- Avoid saying “Don’t you remember?” or “I just told you.” It will just make your parent feel bad.
Always treat your parent with dignity and respect.
- At times, Alzheimer’s Disease or dementia can cause childish behavior, but the person is still an adult. It may help to keep an image in mind of a moment when your parent was competent and at his or her best.
- Avoid talking about your parent as if he or she isn’t there—you know how you’d feel if someone did that to you.
Never give up on trying to communicate. Even if your parent doesn’t say much, he or she will still benefit from your conversation and loving touch.
Accepting the new reality of your parent’s memory loss is hard, at and at times, heartbreaking. But adapting your communication style will keep you connected and help reduce frustration. Check out these articles and websites for additional information about communicating with a person with memory loss: Alzheimer’s Association, Colorado Coalition for Elder Rights and Adult Protection, and Suite101.com.
